a letter to the world

January 27, 2010


dear world,
dear sad and lonely world,

i am sorry for hating you sometimes. some days i truly love you, and then something will happen or you will do something, and i just want to burn you down. some days i just want to burn you down.

i am sorry for loving you too much. some days i truly hate you, and then something will happen or you will do something, and i just want to do everything. some days i just want to do everything.

some days i cannot stop. some days i cannot breathe. i am afraid of not being able to breathe. i panic. panic attacks. it stabs me in the gut and hits me in the chest, and it wracks my brain for a solution which i cannot find and i cannot hide. some days i cannot hide.

some days i do not want to hide. some days i go outside. i am not afraid of outside. i breathe. and it is good.

but some days i just want to burn you down. irreconcilable differences we have, world. but i, unlike many, cannot divorce the world and go to a better place. i must see it to the end.

oh God come quickly, the execution of all things.

i want to do everything and burn down the world in one instant; one single instant. forget me, world. i am of no particular consequence to you. perhaps to some in it, but not to you.

i love you, world. i love you and i hate you, too.

sincerely,
amelia